He's Gone
by slinkyrabbit
Summary: o captain my captain,the sweetest dream will never do. mult. pairings slash


You were willing to give me the world, all your love and devotion anything and everything I could ever ask for, but I was a coward and ran away but even then you didn't push me, and let it be and I turned away from you out of fear and selfishness but still you remained by my side.

Ever in the end when you lay in pain you sent me away for my own good , to ease my trouble thoughts and mind. I was far away from reality when you died.

I remember laughing so hard that there were tears in my eyes from one of _Rhody's_ stupid jokes, when I answered the phone. It wasn't you on the phone, it was Agent Coulson. I remember saying hello and to wait a moment, and I motioned to Pepper that I was I stepping out of the room to take the call. Stepping out of loud ballroom into the relatively quiet hall , I remember there still be some laughter in my voice when I greeted him again. And then two simple words that ring clearly in mind even now " Hes gone", no more explanation needed deep down instantly I knew what Phil was telling me. His voice trembled as he continued explaining that I needed to get to return to mansion right way , that Bruce had become hysterical and had been sedated and that Thor was bring in Clint and Natasha in.

I don't remember answering, but I must have and the next thing I remember was being on the floor in the hotel lobby in such pain that I could not breath , tears cascaded down my face and my heart felt as though the shrapnel had finally pierced my heart . Someone was speaking to me and someone else was holding me trying to sooth me. I blackout and when I awoke it was late afternoon and I was laying on a bed. At first I hoped it must have been a cruel nightmare until I saw my reflect in the dresser mirror next to the bed and saw the dried tear on my face, instantly the pain returned and I couldn't breath.

Then the phone calls started wanting to know when I would be returning, Fury and S.H.E.I.L.D. The most demanding, Pepper and Rhody handled everything with steady patience and grace, holding back there grief as best they could for my sake. I knew one after another would call demanding of me to shake myself off and get back to business, to "fix it". But the fixer , for our strange family it had always been Steve but now he was gone , and suddenly it was me that they all turned to the reluctant leader.

We finally arrived in New York and reached the mansion that evening. Stepped foot inside the air was thick and heavy , the once bright happy mansion we all spent some much time together in was sudden dark and bleak as if it had died too. Heading up stairs and moving towards the bedrooms , I stopped in front of what had affectionately been comes to known as Bruce and Natasha honeymoon suit , the lover were young but with old souls, true soul mates. I remember reaching out to open the door as my hand touch the doorknob and icy chilly ran up my arm, it was a vision of what I would find in the room.

Bruce lay in the center of the bed looking pale and sickly as you would expect to find a corpse, if not for the slow rise and fall of his chest, I would believe that's what I had found. Natasha was sitting in a chair next to the bed worry stricken across her lovely face as she looked on at her lover every now and then she would ever so gentle stroke his hand, cause a wimpier to slip from Bruce's lips. I didn't speak I just reacted , I slowly crawled up the bed to Bruce and wrapped him tightly in my arms , he immediately turned and tucked himself into my body , to my warmth , I then reached my hand to Natasha pulling her to the bed as well as if to fortify the cocoon of warmth and safety I had created for Bruce. Wrapped in our arms the tears started and those two simple word returned " he gone" …."he gone" repeating over and over as if by speaking them would make it not turn.

Eventually , Bruce calmed and fell asleep not a peaceful one but at least an escape, held tightly to his lover and protector. I slowly eased off the bed, Natasha looked up at me pleading with her eyes that I remain, I shook my head and frowned, I knew I didn't belong here and now. As I quietly closed the door behind me , I finally noticed how cold the mansion had become, as I head up the hall , continuing to the family room, Client and Phil were laying asleep holding each other wrapped in a intimate embrace on the couch against the back wall, Thor had passed out half on the adjacent couch and half on the floor typical for him, I grabbed the blanket off one of the recliners and laid it over him.

Suddenly not knowing what to do but stand there lost, instinctively my feet carried me to Steve Bedroom, a place I had not been in months ever since that night. I opened the door and stepped inside closing the door and locking out the world behind me. It was dark but not some much that I couldn't see, the glow from the Arc reactor casting an soft glow over the room. The room was large but simple with the large raised king bed in the center, the sheets were pulled back and the was a T shirt and sweatpants laying on the edge. The room had not been touched since the morning of the accident, If I closed my I eye I could picture Steve getting ready for his morning run as I'd watched him do some many time from the bed.

In my mind I kept thinking I should have been there that morning and all those morning I missed by being such a chicken , I could have been with him , prevent all this some how, why did I reject and fear his love , it was pure and true and he never asked anything of me like so many other who claimed to love me.

He was my golden haired angel ,and now he was gone. I began to weep and slid down the back of the door to the ground, bring my knee to my chest and began to rock back and forth as the pain settled in my chest. I must have bumped the dresser next to me because a glass that was sitting on it fell off and hit the floor , it rolled passed me I stop and reached for it but it ended up near the bed. As I crawled towards it I saw something pink sticking out from under the bed, I pulled on the soft pink fabric and reveled the frilly pink french maid apron Phil had gotten Clint for Christmas

It had been a joke between Clint and Phil while watching and old black and white film. Clint had said he want to be just like the wife in the film an the elegant Susie home maker with pearls and frilly apron. And so for Christmas that year, Coulson made it happen, he brought a beautiful earring ( clip on of course) and necklace set of pearls and the frilliest pink french maid apron he could find. Clint was absolutely ecstatic and quickly put them on and when off to start Christmas dinner with and eagerly excited Thor following behind to assist , except both of them were disasters at cooking , the phase burns water was probably putting it lightly. Need less to say by the time both Bruce and Tasha returned from some last minute shopping and Steve and I had returned from the store, the kitchen was destroyed and what remained of the dinner was safer as a bio hazard and so we had Chinese that year and Steve and I spent Christmas day cleaning the kitchen, since JAVIS had the day off. Laughing to myself, I was still not sure how I was talked into that one. At some point Clint , decided he could never be a Susie home maker and he marched into the kitchen and tied the frilly pink apron around Steve's waist and declared he was better at it but that he wasn't giving up the pearls. We were all to stunned to speak , but Steve broke the silents first " So how do I look" it was to much and laughter erupted thru-out the mansion.

Later that night after dinner Phil and Clint snuggle together on the couch watching a movie as Bruce and Tasha sat close to the fire wrapped in each other , Thor and Jane having disappeared upstairs and I again drew the short straw on the dishes. However , I walked into the kitchen to find Steve still wearing the apron but now wear yellow dishwasher gloves and what a sight it was I couldn't help myself and I chuckled , apparently Steve hadn't known I'd come in and was startled, he drop the dish he was cleaning causing the water and soap bubbles to splash up onto his arms and chest. This resulted in me letting loose and full on tearing up laugh. Right at the moment when Steve decided to attack me , the boys turn up the volume on the TV to play the soundtrack of the movie. Steve quickly moved across the kitchen bring a still laughing me up against his chest effectively getting me covered with water and soap . He brought me over to the sink to continuing washing dishes all the while singing the lyrics softly in my ear, taking my hands switching between cleaning, conducting and dancing.

_I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure _

Once the last dish was placed in the strainer he swung me from the sink and held me against his chest dancing with me all the while still sing along,he wasn't half bad and he had really started to that to the whole action movie genre, who knew.

As the song ended and he held me close, he lend down and I stood up on my tiptoes to kiss , Clint interrupted us to bring the empty bowl of popcorn to the sink. We quickly separated and I left the kitchen heading to my lab to embarrassed to stay and face what had almost happened. Me, Tony Stark, Iron Man had almost kissed the living legend that was Steve Rodgers, The world famous Captain America and fellow Avenger, my teammate, my friend, my partner. Steve and I had been tottering on the edge of something for a long time neither one of us willing to take that leap of faith.

Getting to my feet I picked up the apron and then got onto the bed placing the apron next to me, it felt so weird to be back here are being here so many time before. At some point during all the time we spent together, I some how drifted from my bedroom to Steve's it started innocently enough with watching classic movies and old television shows on his large flat screen, Steve's crash course in 70 years of pop culture history. We'd talk , laugh, and debate and I would try in vain to example various references and memes to him, and mostly he would just smile and nod. The more thing we spent together in this room, the more, the world outside would melt away and we would end up closer and closer together, until we would end up curled up to each other while watching and fall asleep together. And after a while it just became so natural to sleep in Steve's room , in his bed, wrapped in his arms. Finally safe from our nightmares, neither one of us willing to question it, until it happened.

It was Pepper's birthday and we're all together partying at this hot club in the Meatpacking District , Kiss and Fly. Everyone was getting a bit wild and crazy. Thor , Jane ,Tasha , Pepper, myself and several or our other friends we're on the dance floor living it up , Thor later told me that , we looked like 'gods of sex' and had all eyes on us, which was probably the reason for Steve, Rhody and Bruce's odd behavior. of course Bruce was, is madly in love with Natasha but doesn't think hes got a chance and Tasha is head over heels for Bruce but thinks he doesn't see her like that, even though the two have been dating on again off again for the passed three years. At some point Bruce loses it and drags Natasha off the dance floor where they disappear for several hours. I of course didn't notice that I've started to drift away from the group and now find myself being gridded and groped by some random guy and his hand just keep find there way to my ass , finally I get tired of it and start to walk away, when the guy decides to pull me back hard against his chest. I yelp as he start squeezing my wrist harder, my alcohol fogged mind clears and just as I'm about to swing on him. Steve shows up and removes his hands from my body , the guy rears back to swing at Steve , but he grabs the guys arm and twist it behind his back , passing him along to the bouncers. Shocked and thoroughly humiliated I punch him in the shoulder and push pass him, needing to be anywhere but there.

I end up heading back to the VIP area we had reserved for our party. Grabbing my jacket and intent on leaving I head for the doorway but Steve is there blocking the way. " Get out of my way!" he doesn't say anything, I try to move him but I can't , he grabs my arm firm but gentle and pulls me back into the room. " dam it let me go didn't you embarrass me enough , I had that perfectly under control I didn't need..." in a cool voice hes finally speaks " he had his hands all over you" " why would you even care maybe I was enjoying it " poking him the chest as I say it , something in him snapped and he pushes me against the wall one hand hold my arm above my head the other cupping my cock , his lips next my ear " don't you want me doing this instead" before I can respond his lips are hungrily devoting mine , his hand has moved from my arms to wrap around me and teases and kneads my ass , it feels so good so right but my lungs are screaming for air, he moves from my lips to place gentle kiss along my jaw to my neck. I'm desperately trying to get air into my lungs as my skin continues to feels electrified from his touch. "whaa.." he sighs " I'm sorry, I lost control when I saw him touching you, I wanted it to be me and only me who could ever touch you like that" he look directly into me eyes and I saw a kind of volubility there I had never seen before.

Just then Bruce and Natasha returned , Natasha bouncing up and down shouting that Bruce had proposed and they were getting married. The rest of the evening was spent in the VIP room celebrating the happy couple, Steve on one side of the room and me on the other. After the limo had dropped us all back at the mansion, I started sneaking off to the basement, until a sleepy Clint yell out "TTTony, where you going , no woooorking tonight " I was caught. I reluctantly join our drunk friends in the kitchen as Jane and Pepper begin to raid the refrig giggling like a couple of madwomen. Some time later after the hording mass retreated either upstairs like Bruce, Tasha, Steve and myself or decided to start an all out video game war like the rest Thor , Clint and Rhody being the driving force behind that brilliant plan. I found myself alone in my bed unable to sleep , I kept trying to talk myself out of what had happened at the club trying to reason it away finally I realized I just let it go and pretend nothing happen everything would be fine and normal again , no harm no fowl. Yeah right like that would work, which is how I found myself in-front of Steve's door softly knocking , when I didn't hear a response , I began to turn away , just as the door opened revealing a freshly shower Steve in nothing but the towel wrapped around his waist.

At that moment I knew what a deer must feel like caught in the head lights. He gently guided me into the room and sat me down on the bed. Wordlessly he turned and returned to the bathroom. My shock from the whole situation gave way to fatigue and I found myself getting into bed under the soft silk like cotton sheets. Steve came out of the bathroom and turn out the light and got in bed. That when I panicked and moved as far away as possible from him, which last all of ten minutes before he pulled me against his chest and placed an arm on my waist which had become my normal spot, he said it was so I didn't punch him in a certain spot which I had been known to others who attempted to sleep in the bed with me. After that we both settle down and when to sleep at least I thought that's what would have happened.

I'll never know what it was that made me do it , I turned over in his arms took his face in my hands and kissed him

It was hot and lustful at first be then it soften and became gentle and loving as we carefully recorded to memory every part of the other I felt so safe in his arm that I could for the first time truly let go after a full night of blissfully lovemaking sleep finally called to me and just as I was almost completely under its spell I heard him says it "I love you"

I awoke sometime later and stretched out like a satisfied cat my body ached but it was a most welcome feeling. Steve was still sound asleep next to me , glazing at him brings back all the passionate memories from earlier , it enough to make me want to wake him for more, but then something nags at me in the back of my mind, he said those three destructive little words I love you. I begin to panic , I officially just fucked everything , I had sex with Steve and he said he loves me, o god... o god what have I done , this will end badly and I'll lose my family. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom , hoping to get dressed and get out of here before Steve wakes up. I'm not that lucky I dart out of the bathroom only to run smack into his bare chest, his arm wrap around me before I can fall. I'm to stunned for words he bend down and places a quick kiss on my lips he smile at me then frowns "where are you going? " slipping out of this arm I back out " I need to leave" I can't look him in the face, he knows something wrong. "why?" that one word ask some many things of me most of which I can't answer. " I can't do this I'm sorry" I'm trembling now trying desperately not to cry in front of him. He lifts my chin up to look into my eyes, I can't look away "Please" his eyes are pleading with at volubility as last night. "I love you" I pull away as if i was burned " no you can't love me then everything will change and I'll lost you and our family,it always happens this way I can't do this again" I push pass him and run out of the mansion , I can hear him coming after me calling my name but I jump in my car and speed away I can see him in the rear view mirror and it hurt so much but I know I have to do this it for the best.

For the next two weeks he calls , e-mails, texts, send flowers card ,even has Pepper and Coulson try a few times but I wouldn't change my mind I can't , I have to do this for us , its the only way. The third week comes and it stops the forth week Pepper , Natasha and Jane come over to drag me to lunch under the guise of wedding plans , but in truth its to find out what the fight was between me and Steve, he wont tell they and I wouldn't either . Another two weeks pass and thing are slowing getting back to normal I still haven't been back to the mansion but I've sent time with the family all except Steve , tonight we're all going out to dinner and so I know I'll finally have to face him. i feel a constant queasiness in the center of my stomach. i feel like I'm constantly on the edge of throwing up, sometimes close to the edge and sometimes a further away, depending on the moment. I'm not actually throwing-up but I'm wondering if that would give me some relief? Or at the very least an excuse not to go , I've been feeling like this for a few weeks off and on I can't decide if it guilt or a virus

Luckly the dinner goes smoothly and everyone seems to be having a good time, I look over and see him hes smiling but there a sadness there , something I know I've caused , I suddenly feel very sick to my stomach I quickly excuse myself and run for the bathroom , where my lovely dinner has returned. I wash out my mouth and try to clean up my face but my eye look like I've been crying for days and I have but the makeup starting to not help any more. I head out of the bathroom only to see him leaning out side holding some gum out to me " feeling better" I take the gum and plaster a fake smile " just peachy thanks" he sighs and pushes away from the walk , his back is facing me " Is this how its to be" I pause wanting to reach out to him I can see the tension building in his shoulders , taking a breath I control myself and answer "yes" sighing and setting his shoulders he turns back to me " Then, we best not let the others worry" he extend his hand to me I take it and we start to walk back ,when we return to the group hold hands our old signal from when we'd had a fight and then resolved it,it has the desired effect among our family , we sat down next to each other and played happy no one was the wiser. After that another week passed and things we're pretty much normal except I never slept in his room or arms again

Wednesday ,February 11th while riding you Harley you were hit head by an oncoming car that had lost control. You were rushed to the hospitable and diagnosed with a broken arm and leg and several broken ribs because of the way the break was setting in your legging you were going to need surgery to correct it you were schedule for 14th but was reschedule for the 15th you never called to tell me that , no one did. They didn't know but the accident had dislodged several blood clouts and during the surgery they reached your heart and then brain ending your life, before the serum could even react.

I spent Wednesday evening and Thursday morning with you laughing and talk and making plans for the future , I had my chance but I'd didn't tell you , that I loved you with all my heart and I didn't care if it destroyed us I wanted a chance to be with you ,I don't know why I didn't tell you, I should have and I'll live will that pain for the rest of my life. The pain and grief are so heavy upon me it feels like it burying me alive as lay here clutching your pillow trying to hold onto you. I don't know if can live thru the this or if I even want to.

Suddenly a sharp shooting pain hits my stomach it feel as if something is gnawing at my insides. Hank tells me I was pregnant and suffered a miscarriage , I was 3 month pregnant and the grief of losing you caused my body so much physical pain and stress that the extremis, can not maintain the pregnancy and so I lost the one piece of you, I had left our child that we created out of love together, you never even knew and neither did I before it was to late. I barely made it through your funeral the following day before Bruce started on me. once we got back to the mansion from the media circus that was your funeral he lost it and torn into me about not being there for the family as I should have been that every one is doing what need to be done and I couldn't even be bothered to be there. I love Bruce very much but I just couldn't take it after everything that happened I pouched him as hard as I could in the jaw and walked out I passed Tasha and Pepper on the way out kissing them both on the cheeks and said my good byes.

What they didn't know was that I meant it to be my final good bye. I returned to the tower, my sanctuary and private hell for the past month , first disabling JAVIS and then headed to the lab and retrieving a sharp knife, it wasn't the ideal place or method but I knew by the time anyone found me it would be to late. No one would be coming back here, it would be prefect , as I cut to die it would dull the heavier pain in my heart and I know I may never get to see Steve or our baby because of what I do now , but I have no other choice I cant continue like this in my own personal hell. I slice into my arms several times each enjoying the pain it creates a small relieve from the pain laced grief. Watching the blood drip and pool on the ground has become a new fascination and I continue watching until I fall into a blissfully sleep.

As I sleep I dream of you standing in front of me there is a bright light behind you and you look so very sad "Tony,.. you shouldn't be here its not your time, you need to go back now" I smile and hug you I don't care I'm with you in you arms and that's all that matters " Tony please love go back , I don't want to lose you but I will if you stay" I try to speak and tell you that I don't care your all I want , but no sound comes out. " Go back now before its to late" hes holding me out in front of him pleading begging with tears in his eyes. I place my hand to his cheeks trying to sooth him, but then I see the blood and quick move it away. I've done this and I don't know how to change it I've taken my life and now I don't know.

My eyes open I'm in the Lab again the blood has slowed, I realize that the cuts were not deep enough to kill just to make me pass out , I tear pieces of my shirt and wrap them around my arms. So this is it I have to live in this hell , four years I have been and the pain never really goes away. You told me to come back and so i have, but where are you my love, died and gone and I'm still here. Why?

" O captain my, captain"


End file.
